Lead One Entertainment
Poverty, starvation, and homelessness, these are three of the nation’s biggest problems. Britney Spears, Kanye West, and Jennifer Aniston, these are three names that everyone knows, no matter who or where you are.
The difference in the two very different subjects is the fact that the nation focuses on the second more than the first.
Monday morning, day after Video Music Awards. “Oh my god, did you hear about Kanye West and Taylor Swift?” A reply from somewhere across the way. “No, what happened?” My head is ringing with immature freshman babble as I make my way through the café, pondering a quick fix for breakfast. As I fight my way through the crowd to snatch a booth seat close to the window, I over hear another pointless conversation. “Beyonce’s dress sucked last night!” “I know right, it could have been a different color or something.” Disgusted, I throw my half eaten cereal bowl away, and set out to class. With my head, still ringing.
It is just so ridiculous the way America is so focused on celebrities, and what they are doing. Shouldn’t we as Americans know what [else] is going on in the world?
Right now, as we speak the war is being fought in Iraq, Kuwait, Afghanistan, etc. People are losing lives everyday in the name of religion, and in the fight for our country. And what is it that we are focused on, what Kanye West did at the Video Music Awards to Taylor Swift. Seriously…am I the only one who is seeing the bigger picture here? Instead of fighting hunger, we are fighting over a Hannah Montana concert ticket.
After saying that the Sudan region is no longer at war, the UN Commander announced that the militia government fighting broke out again in Darfur on September 21, 2009.
The free healthcare program for all Americans, as promised by Obama and his administration is in shambles.
New Orleans is STILL being rebuilt due to Hurricane Katrina, many are still left homeless.
Carbon cutting measures are being taken to curb global warming. The United States and China have stepped up to fighting climate change.
These are not even half of the things plaguing our nation at this very moment in time. Should we know about them all? No. Should we care about them all? Yes. We should care about the Planet and its many issues because it and its climate is changing everyday.
And if something truly big happens to affect all of our lives, like it is other families across the globe, what Beyonce wore to the VMA awards, is not going to matter, not even a little.
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Don;t forget to skip spaces between paragraphs in your blog entries. Makes them much easier to read. Good start!
ReplyDeleteIt's a good article, and you can tell you are very passionate about global issues. Good information on things going on around the world. There are just a few places where I would change commas to semi colons: after homelessness, and after Jennifer Aniston in your lead for example. I think it gives it more of an impact, makes the reader pause a bit longer. There are also a few other places where you can remove commas. Also, in the end where you state "we should care about the planet..., I would take out climate because you have just mentioned climate in a the same paragraph and you are repeating yourself. I would change your last sentence to something like "There are bigger issues going on in the world that is affecting all of our lives that we should concern us more than what Beyonce wore to the VMA's." Then add something about how we should care about global issues more now until they become something bigger and problematic, or something along those lines. hope this helps! let me know if you need clarification. I would just change the end a bit to make it stronger and more impactful.
ReplyDeleteI really like your topic Emily. I think you did a very good job of describing the current issues we are facing world wide and not on the superficial world most of us are living in. Like Sonya, I think you have punctuation errors throughout the article, so I would go back and take a look at those more carefully. For examply, a question mark after this sentence "And what is it that we are focused on, what Kanye West did at the Video Music Awards to Taylor Swift" and a comma after administration when your talking about Obama's health care program. I also like Sonya's suggestion to the conclusion. I think ending it along those lines would have a much stronger closure with the audience.
ReplyDeletei can feel your passion, and that a great thing just becare when you use phrases like
ReplyDelete"It is just so ridiculous the way America is so focused on celebrities, and what they are doing. Shouldn’t we as Americans know what [else] is going on in the world?"
will come off as agressive, i love the fact that you are speaking out, but remember that you don't want to make your reads feel uneasy. maybe mention that this is the thought process for most young adults and teens because most adult feel the same way you do.
other than that i love the passion and all the expamles, it very informative and straight to the point.
Chrystalla
I'll take this paragraph by paragraph and I only make suggestions. Forgive me if I seem harsh.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, the paragraphs need to be seperated. As it is now, it is a bit hard to read.
Paragraph #1: "Britney Spears, Kanye West, and Jennifer Aniston, these are three names that everyone knows, no matter who or where you are." - are you sure about that? Are you saying the whole world knows these people or just Americans?
Pargraph #2: take out very.
"Monday morning, the day after Video Music Awards."
When someone speaks make a paragraph. Ex:
"Hi, John," said Mary.
"What's up?" John replied as he looked at Mary.
It helps keep the speakers seperated and less confusion is caused that way.
I like your example, but it needs to be fleshed out. I can't understand what is going on there.
Paragraph #4: That etc. at the end of the list of countries the war is being fought... Maybe you should finish that list instead of putting etc. there.
"And what is it that we are focused on? What Kanye West did at the Video Music Awards to Taylor Swift?"
"Seriously, am I the only one who is seeing the bigger picture here?"
"(don't use "and", "Because" at the beginning of sentences unless it is dailogue. Of course if you are doing this in conversation form, you can get away with that.)If something truly big happens to affect all of our lives (like what?), like it is other families across the globe (I don't understand this), what Beyonce wore to the VMA awards, is not going to matter."
Okay. This is really jumpy and just needs some fleshing out in some places and fixed up a bit more to be perfect.
One thing I will tell you. Don't assume your audience knows something. Not everyone keeps up with music and celeberities and some may not even have the means to do so.
Also, when writing make sure to stay in one point of view. You started off in third person and at distance, but then changed to the more conversational tone of second person. Choose which one you will use to stop confusion and jumps.
Other than that, keep up the good work.
Your topic is excellent. I really like the bit about the Hannah Montana ticket thing. Grammatically, the article needs to be polished a little bit, but I think that the ideas flow well where you have them placed. My biggest concern is that it seems to be one giant opinion. Perhaps throw in some more facts and commentary on other people's thoughts to draw in an audience who may be neutral to this topic.Great start :)
ReplyDeletehey grl,
ReplyDeleteok so i don't think you need this:
I would like to propose a World News Section to your magazine. The lead would go something like this:
it conflicts with the paragraph that's under your lead so i would try to blend it in. your topic is one that i feel like will open the eyes of out readers a little more and i can't wait to read it :)
Chrystalla